To whom it may concern,
Hello, terribly sorry to bother you. It’s just that a few of us were gathered around here in the hereafter feeling a bit neglected, really. Ben Jonson and I were trying to decide on the best way to go about airing our grievances. Ben wanted to “haunt the holy fuck out of those illiterate, shit-brained knuckle draggers,” by which I believe he means you. I felt that we could be far more constructive by writing them out and hoping there are still a few people out there capable of reading something more complicated than a Wikipedia entry on Scooby Doo.
Basically, our grievances all boil down to one over-riding theme: why does no one care about the Jacobean playwrights? And already, I’m feeling I’ll need to explain myself – by Jacobean, I mean “during the time while James I was king.” If I find out that does not sufficiently inform you, then I’m going to let Ben do things his way. At the moment he’s claiming that he knows how to make everyone’s dead grandmother rise out of the grave and perform lewd sexual gestures at the nearest child care facility, but I hope he is bluffing.
Obviously we have to compete for attention with our colleague, Mr. Shakespeare – a man who couldn’t even decide how to spell his last name. Ben is especially touchy about it; he’s spent the last couple of centuries amassing an expansive vocabulary of offensive words in several languages to best convey his emotions on the topic. I don’t rightly know how you people are able to sit through Romeo and Juliet so many times. For God’s sake, how many people today even know that “wherefore” means “why?” It might help your comprehension of the play to know that Juliet is a philosophical, whiny, teenage half-wit and not a near-sighted, whiny, teenage half-wit. It’s not even that good a play. Will locked himself in a shed with eight barrels of beer for three days and that piece of shit was the end product.
Ben and I deserve more attention these days. Hell, our plays are all about sex and violence. You people eat that stuff up, right? We have dick jokes, too! Anyway, I better leave it here. Ben is feeling a bit maudlin now, and he tends to lick things he shouldn’t when he gets like that.
Sincerely,
T.M.
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