(translated from 16th century Turkish)
Dear jackasses,
600 years. We were around for 600 years. We spanned three continents. We made the Holy Roman Empire collectively shit its pants. I personally kicked Hungary's ass so hard that 500 years later the country still isn't relevant. It took a freaking world war to finally take us down. But does the Ottoman Empire get remembered for any of that in the west? No. Say the name of it and most of you just think of a piece of furniture. And it's a fucking footstool at that. It's just embarrassing, really.
I don't mean to sound petty, but I've been looking up a lot of the other empires that have come and gone since and I've noticed a distinct lack of furniture-centered memes to remember their exploits. Queen Victoria took over a decent chunk of the world and got a damned century named after her. There isn't a Great Britain coffee table or a Victoria hat stand. Think of Napoleon and the image of a particular style of bidet does not spring to mind.
Maybe I wouldn't be so pissy if it was at least a decent type of furniture. But it's a footstool, the least essential piece of furniture a house can have. No one has ever been in a panic because they didn't have one. If you have more than one, people starting thinking you're a bit touched in the head. Couldn't we have gotten a couch named after us? There were a lot of those in the empire. Or a desk? Hell, a pantry would have been a step up. But we didn't get one of those. And now, when people talk about an ottoman, the next thing in their head is IKEA.
Look, I know we weren't exactly on the same page as you guys - different beliefs, different customs, etc. But the Mongols were about as alien as a prom queen at a comic book convention and you don't associate them with a household oddity.
We gave you ungrateful bastards coffee. Could you at least have the decency to remember us for more than an outdated piece of furniture?
Piss off,
S
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