A Series of Disgruntled Letters Directed to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli from a Mr. P. Nesbitt of Derbyshire

11 October 1868

Dear Mr.Disraeli,

I was so terribly pleased that you were able to attend the event we held last night in honor of our daughter’s recent engagement.  It is quite regrettable that we failed to send you an invitation directly, however we had no idea that you would even make the effort to come since we’ve never had the privilege of making your acquaintance prior to last evening.  It was also very kind of you to provide the three bottles of brandy that you consumed during your visit.

If it isn’t too much of a bother, would you mind compensating us for the three broken windows, nine smashed vases, and 27 shattered plates?  I do understand that you felt a need to vent your frustration when Mrs. Chiswick did not recognize you immediately as the Prime Minister of Great Britain, but I believe it was a perfectly normal reaction on her behalf since she did not know you would be at the party.  Also, she is blind.  And thanks to your actions, she now has a limp as well.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Mr. P. Nesbitt

13 October 1868

Dear Prime Minister Disraeli,

I do apologize if my first missive struck you as too familiar, and I am all too glad to use your second most-preferred form of address.  I will not, however, use your first choice of address, “Lord John Thunder-Crotch the Insatiable.”  In addition, I will not acquiesce to your request for what I should do with my previous letter.  Such an act is anatomically impossible, and it pains me that I had to consult my physician on that matter.

As to the matter of the money you owe me, your proposal that you will pay for the damages once I relinquish your trousers is unacceptable.  You weren’t wearing any when you arrived, and I do not see it as my responsibility to find them.  If I do happen to come across a pair of mauve trousers that match the jacket your were wearing, I’ll be sure to pop them in the post.

Now I must insist that you send compensation immediately.

Earnestly,
Mr. P. Nesbitt

18 October 1868

Dear Sir,

It is truly an abuse of power when an elected official finds it necessary, and for some reason amusing, to fire one of Her Majesty’s cannons at my home.  And don’t for a second think I didn’t recognize you.  I clearly heard you cry out, “Choke on that, you Swedish bastard!”  Neither I nor anyone else in my family has ever been Swedes, and I can’t see why that would call for artillery fire in the first place.

If you refuse to pay for the damage to my home, I will be forced to take you to court.  I have written to my solicitor several times on that matter, simply because he didn’t believe me the first time.

Mr. P. Nesbitt

25 October 1868

Dear Prime Minister,

Please give us back our daughter.  We have tried to meet all of your demands, but many of the things you have asked for are beyond unreasonable and utterly impossible.  For instance, we are unsure of how much cinder toffee it would take to choke a horse.  Nor are we capable of getting you “five minutes in the same room with that glass-jawed ponce, King Charles of Sweden.”

Now please release our daughter, safe and sound, or we shall be forced to vote Labour in the next election.

Mr. P. Nesbitt